You love your iPhone. You love your kids. Your kids love your iPhone, too, and that’s the problem: what to do when the kids aren’t around?

That’s why we created iKid: a virtual kid for your iPhone.

This isn’t just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill mobile-device kid simulator. As a modern-day parent, you know those sims are a dime a dozen. iKid simulates not just your child’s joyful reaction to unfettered iPhone time, but also the effect that your child typically has on your iPhone.

iKid’s default settings simulate a common case. You’ve arrived fifteen minutes early for a dentist appointment, accompanied by your two-year-old child who has missed her morning nap. Utilizing proprietary technology to access generally-unavailable device functionality*, iKid sets your device volume to 200 percent of safe hardware limits, emits a piercing scream that causes the dental hygienist across the hallway to drop a mirror into a patient’s mouth, and repeats, “Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!” Our engineers have even managed to make this chant uninterruptible.* Go ahead: flip the mute switch. Press the Home button. The screaming continues. Just like with a real kid, nothing will stop the iKid once he or she wants your phone!

To simulate giving in to your toddler, tap and drag the iPhone icon to the child icon. You’ve handed your iPhone to your iKid, and now the real fun begins! From your perspective, of course, your iPhone is unavailable, so it’s locked for a user-adjustable session length of five to twenty minutes. (For added realism, iKid may throw tantrum at session end.) Worried about missing an important phone call? You should be! The first thing iKid does is disable the ringer, just like a real kid would. Next, iKid quickly accomplishes any or all of the following:

• Changes your wallpaper, Safari bookmarks, home screen icon arrangement, ring tone, Wi-Fi password, and device time zone.
• Sets a daily alarm for 3:39 a.m.
• Moves any calendar event with the words “boss,” “court,” or “French Laundry Dinner Reservation” to two hours later.
• Deletes your SMS and call history.
• Photographs the ceiling, the floor, and complete strangers, as well as the iKid’s own feet and nostrils.
• Emails friends, family, and coworkers the iKid trademark phrase: “bbbbbwwwwwwwjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj.” Regardless of your phone’s SMS plan, your iKid will happily text the same message overseas!
• Changes single digits in important phone numbers.
• Achieves higher game scores than you ever could.

Not realistic enough? With iKid Premium (available Summer 2010) we’ll even trip your iPhone’s moisture sensors. Experience the pride of discovering that your little budding scientist wants to know whether iPhones float!

Of course, not every iPhone owner wants a toddler iKid. That’s why we’ve included several simulator profiles:

• Infant: Set iKid to Baby Mode, and it’s as if you’ve just returned home from the maternity ward! Who said the iPhone can’t multitask? No matter what you’re doing, your iPhone is on a two-hour sleep cycle, requiring feeding, burping, and changing. We’ve cleverly dual-purposed the iPhone moisture sensors to simulate diaper rash. We won’t say how iKid “requires” changing — let’s just say we’ve discovered another undocumented iPhone API!


Settings Panel (iKid not guaranteed to honor volume setting)

• Tween: Guesses your iTunes password (it’s her name with a “3″ instead of an “e,” duh!) and purchases every available Hannah Montana and iCarly episode. Quickly incurs overage charges even with unlimited SMS plans.
• Teenager: Our least-requested feature. Either let your teenaged iKid play videogames, or else give him or her the keys to your car. That’s about it. Or keep the keys: thanks to your iPhone’s Bluetooth capability, iKid can even unlock and start your supported 2010 model-year vehicle!

Of course, just like real kids, the iKid is full of surprises. We’ve listed only some of iKid’s features here. Buy now, and welcome iKid into your family today!